Let’s talk for a second. Like, really talk. Not the kind where we both fake a smile and say the scripted “I’m Fine”, because we both know it’s not true. Sometimes the heaviness that we carry, those patterns we can’t seem to shake, they didn’t just show up out of the blue. They started way back when. It’s what we call childhood trauma. Before you freak out, please realize that many of us are carrying it, even if we don’t realize it. Learning how to recognize childhood trauma is an important first step, and then you can learn how to heal.
Recognize Childhood Trauma
Let’s get something straight, though. Trauma is not always major, dramatic experiences. It doesn’t have to be considered abuse or neglect. It can be subtle but still incredibly impactful. Being raised in a home where love felt conditional, emotions were dismissed, eggshells were walked on, or you had to grow up too soon are all reasons that childhood trauma could have influenced you.
In fact, you may not even recognize childhood trauma in your life until something, in adulthood, starts opening those old wounds. This could be a relationship, conflict, stress, raising your own children, etc. Do you feel like rejection equals abandonment? Do you shut down when someone gets upset? Do you have trouble trusting your gut? Is it impossible to say no or ask for help? These are all signs that the younger version of you is still trying to shield.
How To Know If You’re Still Carrying It
1. Over-apologizing
This often happens when someone grows up in an environment where they had to walk on eggshells to appease other people and their emotions. Preemptively taking the blame for an action can help calm the situation before it starts and may prevent the dreaded conflict.
2. Dismissing Compliments
When a person grows up feeling rejected, not feeling seen or validated, it can be difficult to believe and accept praise that is given. It is often impossible to feel like you deserve to be complimented and is, in turn, acted on with downplaying, which can easily become second nature.
3. Avoiding Asking For Help
Is it difficult for you to ask for help? Would you rather struggle with carrying more than you can lift or multi-tasking until you can’t see through the sweat? This typically arises from being treated like a burden or not wanting to inconvenience anyone. This is a thinking process that is often survival-based.
4. Not Allowing Yourself To Rest
Your worth is not tied to your level of productivity. Feeling guilty for resting stems from growing up in an environment where downtime was something that had to be earned or where productivity was a requirement. When this was the case, resting as an adult can actually be physically uncomfortable, not to mention the mental incapability. Resting is not a privilege. You are not lazy for wanting to rot for a weekend or be a bum on your week off.
5. Incapable of Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are healthy. This can be saying no, protecting your desires or goals, prioritizing your time, asking for space or quiet, or being treated fairly. This can feel weird or rude, but it is actually natural. If you grew up in an environment where saying no was chastised and came with consequences, it may feel safer to let others do as they please, even if it puts your needs on the back burner.
5. Overexplaining
“No” is an answer, and one should not have to say anything more than that. Do you overthink what you are going to say to someone when you have to say no? Do you keep justifying yourself? Someone who has spent a significant amount of time trying to prove themselves, that their reasons are valid, and feeling a need for others to accept their answer comes from the feeling that their needs are not a priority to others and shouldn’t be for them, either.
6. Hyper-Independence
When you have been disappointed or chronically let down, you don’t want to leave your life open for more disappointment. Instead, you may keep yourself emotionally barricaded so as not to let anyone completely in. It can also mean that you attempt to do everything yourself. This independence that you take pride in is actually a form of protection. You are acting in a way that if you don’t rely on anyone else, you won’t be disappointed.
7. Dismissing Your Own Feelings
Do you often say ‘It is what it is’ or ‘It’s not that big of a deal’? This could be a form of minimizing your feelings. This can be an action based on a childhood environment where your feelings weren’t validated, or you learned to push them aside for the sake of others.
8. People-Pleasing
People pleasing is never saying no, even when it is causing a strain on your life, doing extra even when it is inconvenient for you, or going against your boundaries. All of these are for the sake of someone else’s happiness, all while disregarding your own. This can be tied to trying to constantly keep the peace as if you are in control of everyone’s happiness. If you can keep everyone happy, then there is room for you to be happy, too.
9. Constantly Overthinking
Do you replay interactions in your head after the fact? Do you consider all of the potential outcomes of possible situations? Do you analyze every word that someone says or worry that someone is ‘mad’ at you? This is as if you are preparing for rejection or for someone to abandon you. This is often linked to the feelings of insecurity in relationships that occurred in the early years of life.
10. Worrying About Others’ Approval
Needing other people’s approval comes from feeling as if your worth is dependent on not causing disruptions or ensuring that you are helpful. Being too much is not good, but being not enough is not good either. You do not need approval from anyone. Be who you are, and those who are important will love you as you are.
11. Fear of Abandonment
Along the same lines as needing approval, if you don’t do as others would like, they may leave. This is a constant worry that people are going to leave, stop talking to you, or stop needing you, even if things are just fine. This can lead to anxiety and overthinking. You will be living a life waiting for the other shoe to drop, and this is no way to live.
12. Overworking To Feel Important
The need to prove yourself and prove that people need you is real. If you don’t do everything for everyone, then you are not worthy. Does this sound familiar? It may, but it is not the truth. If love and praise were conditional in your childhood, it can lead to a need to overwork.
Start Healing
Easier said than done, I know! But you’re already taking the first step by exploring what childhood trauma may look like in your life. Healing isn’t about blaming the past—it’s about understanding it, so you can choose a different future. Here are a few gentle ways to begin:
1. Ask what happened, not what’s wrong.
That one small language shift can change how you relate to your pain—from shame to compassion.
2. Speak your truth.
Whether it’s with a therapist, a journal, or someone who sees you clearly, telling your story helps take the weight off your shoulders.
3. Reconnect with the child inside.
Write a letter to them. Reassure them. Let them know they didn’t deserve what happened, and they’re safe now.
4. Practice boundary-setting like it’s sacred.
Because it is. Your time, energy, and peace deserve to be protected—without apology.
5. Give yourself time.
Healing isn’t linear. You’ll have days when you feel like you’re thriving, and days when you feel like you’re unraveling. Both are valid. Both are part of it.
You Deserve to Heal
Here at Emberly Mind, we believe healing is not just possible—it’s your birthright. Trauma may be part of your story, but it doesn’t get to write the whole thing. You do.
So if you’re here, reading this, thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to look inward. The fact that you’re even thinking about healing is a powerful beginning.
I used this book to help me recognize childhood trauma and how it has impacted my life.
You’re not alone. We’re healing together.
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