The Younger Versions of Me is a reflection of my life through the eyes of the younger versions of myself. Those who make up who I am today.
“I don’t remember calling this meeting, but here we are. A table I’ve never sat at, filled with faces I know too well. Some I haven’t seen in years. Some I tried to force. Some I swore I’d never become. But tonight, no one is turned away. We are all here. Facing each other. Ready to finally listen” (Brandon Collinsworth).
The youngest. The teenagers.
The adventurer.
The nurturer & housewife.
The drinker. The believer.
The one healing.
The youngest, full of innocence and naivety. Oblivious to the world around her. Following the rules and attempting to make them all proud.
The young teen. Self-conscious about almost everything. Never felt comfortable in her body or mind. Forced into believing that nothing and no one is good enough unless perfection is achieved. Deceived into thinking that she should hide her body, keep her opinions to herself, and all thoughts and actions should follow the Holy One.
A teenage girl. A cocktail of confusion. A desire to know more about life, but still held under the Holy chains. Not feeling like she ever fully fits in anywhere, except alone in her room. Eager to feel freedom from the links.
The younger ones sit together, wondering out loud what life turned out like and if the dreams they created under the moonlight ever began to come true. I somberly, yet proudly smile and reply ‘we are closer than ever’.
The eagerness continued with a young woman who grabbed the freedom and jumped in without a life jacket. She explored her life and parts of the metaphorical world that she didn’t even know existed to her. She quickly became one that trusted the wrong ones. She looks around with disappointment, expressing her disgust at the mistakes that were made, ‘How could I have been so stupid?’. I compassionately reply ‘We learned from those mistakes. It took a little time, but without those mistakes, we would have never learned how to trust our gut. “We didn’t know until we knew” (Brandon Collinsworth).
Finally feeling beautiful in her own skin at 20-something, a woman who loved hard. She loved with her whole soul but was left feeling lonely for days on days, all for the sake of supporting her soldier. She still cries from the pain, but I tell her I understand. The emptiness still stings even after all these years.
Sitting calmly is the one who left everything she knew for an adventure built on love. I look at her and explain that she is the reason we learned not to have regrets. The universe has a reason for everything, and we can fight against it or embrace it.
The most familiar one is lost and broken. Tears streaming down her cheeks, she says, ‘I gave my whole self. It still wasn’t good enough. I tried to be the best mom and wife I could, and all that followed was failure. She turned to the drinker who said, ‘I drank to numb the pain, and it was easier to pretend like the flowers were blooming instead of dying. I didn’t want to hurt anyone; I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. They grabbed each other’s hands. They had been in the thick of it together without a bulletproof vest. They were lost, scared, and in a tornado of loneliness.
One more sat with the rest. She was empowered. She was the first to stand up on two feet and feel sturdy. Her mind is strong. She gave us life again and put the bridge up to walk over. She learned how it felt to have every piece of her loved and loved completely.
I see all of them. The struggle they all feel of not being good enough, unheard, and overlooked. The pain, sadness and chaos hiding behind the fake smiles and forced laughs.
The future me sits off to the side, gazing out the window. I don’t want secrets revealed, but I beg for a glimpse into the crystal ball. She quietly but intently shares ‘Quit punishing yourself. The lessons learned are that the steering wheel, guilt is not worth holding onto, and healing is only possible if you push the gas pedal.
“Everything that felt like complete destruction was just making room for you.
All of me is here.
The fearless and the fearful. The wise and the reckless.
The broken and the whole.
No one is missing. No part of me is left behind.
I see them. I honor them. I forgive them.”
